REGRESSION

Hello again, Poop Gloves. How are you?

Like Tevye shouting "Tradition!" in the Fiddler on the Roof, I have been screaming "Regression!" for the past few days. Regression! REGRESSION!!!!

Everything was going so well with potty training Luke. Yet. suddenly he went from acting like a professional at using the toilet to the 3 year old at the park going down the slide with poop squirting out of his underwear. I have even had to reacquaint myself with the poop gloves. NO!

We'll get through this. As my sister-in-law, Kirsten, once said, "They won't be in diapers when they are 16." Hmmm. Cross your fingers!

THE YES MAN

All the rich crazies have their "Yes Man." For example -

Careless plastic surgeons never questioned Michael Jackson's requests to alter his appearance.

The "friends" of Elvis ignored his strange and unhealthy addictions.

Some stylist told Britney this outfit was a good idea.

I keep agreeing with every crazy thing that Alcoholly says!

I am turning into Alcoholly's "Yes Man" and I hate it. This weekend's visit with Alcoholly went very, very badly. I felt sick after seeing her. I hate pretending that she is right. I really like the above picture of her and I together. Erik took it a few months ago and it describes our relationship perfectly. We are always sitting on the couch with that little pink tv tray. She hands me her bills and gives me very strange advice. I am always smiling like she is perfectly normal.

Some of you might find this hard to believe, but it is very hard for me to be honest when it is rude. Here are a few select conversations, along with my response:

On moving into an assisted living community:

Alcoholly: The number one reason I would never do that is because there are always 10 old ladies shuffling around and then one old man who is so hyped up on Viagra, he can't sit down.

My response: Yes. Yes. That makes perfect sense.

On my appearance:

Alcoholly: Darling, there are not a lot of people in Tonga that have heard of Mormons. You are a lovely girl, but if you do not dress and look better they will think very poorly of your religion.

My response: Of course! (Keep in mind that while she was telling me this she was wearing a faded navy blue skort that barely covered her thighs, a low cut hot pink shirt, nude colored pantyhose with a run, and red loafers.)

On making friends:

Alcoholly: I need a man to do things around the house, but not one that requires that I say thank you in bed.

My response: Yeah, that's, uh, hard to find.

MOONWALKER

Texts from my sister and TMZ are telling me that Michael Jackson is dead, but all the reliable news stations are saying that he is alive.

We'll just pretend that TMZ is real news and I'll say that is too sad that he died.

Neverland Ranch, 2005

I'll never forget that one day that Candace, Valerie, and I drove to Neverland Ranch before it was repossessed and we saw crazy foreigners camping outside Michael Jackson's house. That was a good time. Visiting Michael Jackson was a good excuse for something to do before we had babies. Man, did we have a lot of time to kill before we all had babies.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, he didn't invite us in. Don't act surprised.

Anyway, so sad.

PETUNIA PICKLEBUTT

Diaper Bag by Gucci, $975.

Why would anyone pay $975 for a diaper bag? People who pay that much for diaper bags do not really take care of their kids. No way. I do not believe that a normal mother would pay that much for a diaper bag.

The Petunia Pickle Bottom Cosmopolitan Carryall, $349!!!

Normal mothers, do, however, pay $100 - $250 for diaper bags all the time. I see this everywhere. They make excuses like, "Oh it's so cute and functional!" Confession time: I think y'all are crazy for paying that much for your diaper bags. I always nod my head and say, "Your bag is sooooooooooooooo cute!" but what I'm really thinking is, "You crazy."

There is a reason why I alternate between carrying a $5 black diaper bag from Old Navy and the free one that I got from the hospital when Luke was born encouraging me to use formula. (So what if it says SIMILAC really big on the inside?) I would be deathly paranoid of destroying a $200 diaper bag. Let me rephrase that, I would undoubtedly destroy a $200 diaper bag. I have enough things to worry about when I'm taking care of the kids.

The good thing about the cheap or free black diaper bags is that I don't cringe when pens leak or sunscreen explodes. A few weeks ago, I actually had a jar of pickled beans break inside my diaper bag. (Don't ask why I was carrying around a jar of pickled beans.) It was pretty nasty and messy.

Here's a tip: Do not carry glass jars in your diaper bag.

Then, this morning I had one of my "less proud" moments as a mother. Charlie was sitting in his highchair and crying for more food. I found an opened bag of cookies in my diaper bag, grabbed a fistful, and threw them on his tray... along with the 50 ants that evidently were covering the cookies. The ants were crawling all over his tray and Charlie was screaming because he wanted to eat the cookies. (Yes, in case you were wondering, my diaper bag was loaded with ants.) Ah, gotta love those diaper bag ant infestations.

Thank goodness my diaper bag was free.

ALMOST

Oh Paula, Tell People What You Really Think

My mother has told me many times that the problem with kids today is that their teachers and parents suffer from the "Paula Abdul" problem, i.e., they tell kids they are doing a good job, when in fact they are doing an awful job. She says that everyone is "too nice" and that we need to not be afraid to teach children how to do things right. (As you can tell, my mother is the "Simon Cowell" in her analogy.)

Luke is really trying hard to do things on his own. Again, I will emphasize, really trying. This includes things like buckling his car seat, going to the bathroom without my assistance, pouring his own cup of milk, making himself a sandwich, and taking Charlie out of his crib.

I am very happy that he wants to be independent, however, since I'm trying to avoid being a "Paula Abdul," I am also trying to encourage him to do things right. Take for example the table he set for dinner the other night -

I was so impressed that he would just take the initiative and set the table for dinner. He even rearranged the chairs so that I was sitting right next to him. He even put salt and pepper on the table. Yet, when I tried to tell him that we needed to move some plates on the table, he threw a fit. It's almost to the point that I would rather sit at a table like that and eat off of little tiny plastic Ikea plates than to tell him that he did it wrong.

Yes, I have even been guilty of letting him go out in public with his clothes on backwards just to avoid the conflict.

Here is my sweet boy with everything on backwards except for his boots. Oh, and don't tell him not to wear snow boots in the summer. He doesn't like that.

And... this is his reaction after I told him to turn his clothes around.

IT'S CALLED SODA

As you may know, nothing makes me cringe more than the use of the word pop. [Shudder, shudder.] Nancy had mentioned a map similar to this one a while back, but then Erik sent me a better one this week. You can actually see what people living in a particular county call their carbonated beverages.

The good news is that this map has confirmed for years what I have believed to be true -

In general, people outside of California, Arizona, Las Vegas, Hawaii, and the Upper East Coast are incredibly stupid.*

*Sorry, Utah.

FLY KILLER

The best part of this video of Obama killing a fly is that PETA is calling his actions "inhumane." Yeah, I heard he steps on ants too. I also heard a rumor that he killed a spider in the bathroom.

How is this even real news?

PUBLIC RESTROOMS

The awesome thing about potty training Luke is that I have now visited more public restrooms during the past five months than I have in my entire life. Creepy bathrooms at city parks, gross porta-potties, "employee only" bathrooms... you name it, we've been there.

Undoubtedly, you are dying to know what is my favorite part about taking Luke into public restrooms. No, it's not his infatuation with the sanitary napkin disposal bin... or that he insists on standing when going to the bathroom even though the toilet is 3 inches too tall for him.. or that he exits the stall by crawling under the door.

I will tell you.

It is Luke's play-by-play commentary of the activity in our stall. No privacy here.

"Mommy, I went!"

"Wipe me!"

"Mommy, do you have big poopies too!"

"Charlie's hands are in the toilet."

"I have poopie on my hands."

"Mommy, I wipe you, okay."

"Mommy, I flush the toilet."

"Bye-bye, poopies."

Its times like this when I wonder - I started potty training Luke because...?

THE BIRTHDAY THEMED BIRTHDAY

3 years ago today I was at the hospital screaming at the top of my lungs and the nurses were saying, "Cristin, stop screaming!!! Use that energy to push." Ahhh, such tender memories.

On Friday we had a wonderful "Birthday" themed party for Luke. Now that the party is over, I really do believe that simple is better. I was so glad that I didn't rent a jolly jump, have miniature pony rides, hire a magician, or take everyone to Build A Bear. I sometimes feel so much pressure to do these things, but after being around all those kids on Friday, I don't think that toddlers and preschoolers really care about how elaborate a party is. Surprise, surprise.


Even though it was kind of cold, we set up the "awesome" Slip n' Slide in the backyard. I was proud of Erik for showing the kids how it was done, especially after his accident.


After the kids played with the water toys, they came in and fished cheap little toys out of a laundry basket with homemade magnetic fishing poles. Another economical and simple idea! I attached paperclips to crayons, water guns, fruit snacks and bubbles so that the poles would attach on to the toys. The kids got really into it.


Something else cheap - CUPCAKES!. Don't look too closely, they're pretty ugly, but the kids didn't mind.

Each kid got a juice box and then they sat around the table and decorated their cupcake with sprinkles and various candy.

Then, after Luke opened his presents... the cops busted the party up! Yeah, we were crazy.

Although the party seemed semi-successful, I don't think I will be doing birthday parties every year. It was fun, but I like the idea of doing a party every other year or every 3 years. I never understood why people do stuff like that, but now it makes perfect sense to me.

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE

I love my husband. I hate the car. [Repeat 3 times.]

After a nice weekend, we realized something was wrong with the car about halfway through the trip home yesterday. I won't pretend to know anything about cars, but something was obviously not right when Erik lifted the hood and diesel was shooting up into the air. Erik immediately located a junk yard using his phone and we were able to limp over there to search for parts a few minutes before closing.

Nothing compares to breaking down with small children. Even though I was really mad at the situation, I knew I had to keep my cool or things would get worse. I pretended that it was totally normal to hang out in 90 degree weather in front of a junkyard in a seedy part of Fresno... and the kids believed me.

I am no stranger to breaking down on the road. There was the time my college roommate and I sang Neil Diamond songs for an hour on the side of the freeway until a friendly old couple rescued us... the time that I blew up my engine on the way down from Flagstaff to Phoenix... and that wonderful time that I had to take a 12 hour bus ride from Parowan, Utah to Los Angeles just to get home.


If you are ever looking for a good time in Fresno, take your kids down to the Pick A Part and let them throw trash at "Yermo," the six-legged octopus. After a while he starts looking a lot less creepy.

Or tell them that the lines on a picnic table are tracks. Find random trash to turn into pretend trains.

Or teach them how to pee in the bushes. [Sorry, no picture.]


Anyway, Erik eventually found the part he needed and saved the day. I still hate the car though, but love the husband.

HIT AND RUN

Today I stopped by someone's house to buy homemade tamales. When I backed up out of her driveway, I hit a parked car on the other side of the street. I blame it on the tamales.

It was inevitable. I have been driving this monster truck for a little over a year. Honestly, I can't believe it has taken me this long to hit something. Ugh. The best part is that the other person's car looked like this -


While my car looked like this -


In other words, my truck was undamaged. In fact, I hardly felt anything at the moment of impact. That's a little scary. I wonder how many cats, bikes, and landscaping I have killed/destroyed during the past year with my reckless driving. I'll never know.

When I came to the woman's door to tell her that I hit her car, she invited me in, held Charlie, and laughed. She couldn't believe that I didn't just drive away. Believe me, the thought of just driving away did cross my mind for about 2 seconds. However, if I did that then I would have probably had a warrant out for my arrest, or even worse, nothing to blog about.

So, the moral of the story is: Don't make your wife drive a monster truck. Or if you must, make sure you have really good auto insurance.

THE THEME IS BIRTHDAY

I called my mother tonight while I was roaming aimlessly around the dollar store, trying to figure out what to do for Luke's impending birthday party on Friday.

Mom: Well... what's the theme?

Me: Birthday.

Mom: Hmmm, the theme of the party is birthday... very interesting.

This will be Luke's first "real" birthday party. I always swore I would never do this for a 3 year old, but, unfortunately, he knows what is going on now and has been asking me for a party for the past 6 months. What can I say? I caved.

If I were a better mother. This is how Luke's party would look.

It's not that I don't do themes, it's that I have a hard time doing a theme for a kid who doesn't care about a theme. The way I see it, the only reason I would do a theme is to impress the parents of the invited children. I read your blogs. I see the insanely creative ideas, super cute cakes, and really fun themed parties. I just can't compete... and I'm lazy.

[It also doesn't help that half the invited guests have not RSVP'd. I don't know if I should plan on 5 kids or 10. It is driving me crazy.]

So... pray that it doesn't rain, because we're going to use the awesome Slip n' Slide at the party. Pray that people come. Pray that this lame party doesn't scar Luke socially for life.

AIM AND SHOOT

I am tired of cleaning pee off the floor... and wall... and rug... and side of the bathtub... and well, anything within a 2 feet diameter of the toilet.

Potty training was supposed to make things easier. No one told me that cleaning Luke's poopy diapers would be trumped by mopping the bathroom floor 3 times a day... and it still smells like pee in there.

When I initially started potty training Luke, I was always breathing down his neck while he used the toilet. This wasn't working, so I decided to lay off. Things ran more smoothly when I just said, "Luke, go to the bathroom." After a few weeks of this I decided to peek in on him.

This is when I discovered that -

a) he stands up,
b) he misses the toilet completely, and
c) our downstairs bathroom is disgusting!

Erik put it best when he said, "Whole bladder fulls of urine are on the floor." My apologies to anyone who has used my guest bathroom during the last month. I assumed it was clean and we all know what happens when you assume.....

Here's one last fun thought for this Sunday Night:

Notice anything strange about this picture of Luke and Erik making brownies?

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS THIS STUPID

I am missing out on such quality television now that we don't have cable.

Today I found out about the most awesome show ever on the Discovery Health Channel. It's called, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Wow, if I knew this existed, I don't think I would have cut the cable.


This is a picture of the woman on the show's website. She's saying, "Oh snap! I didn't know I was this stupid!"

Lucky for me (and you), it can be seen on You Tube. Yes, it is as good as it sounds. It is filmed like Unsolved Mysteries with really bad reenactments and scary music. Seriously, how can you not know you are 9 months pregnant?

The climax of most of these stories is on the toilet. For example, in this episode, the woman is in pain, sits down on the toilet to poop, then pushes it out and says to her husband, "Do you hear something crying? Where is that noise coming from?" She looks down, and you guessed it, the baby is in the toilet! What?! In this episode the woman pushes the baby out into the toilet and then is afraid to take him out.

I am just speechless. I can understand not knowing until 5 months, maybe even 6 months, but these women don't know until the baby is born. The best part is that this happens often enough for a television show to be devoted to it.

Wow. I need cable.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME

Today I used my "brand new to me" double jogging stroller that I bought off of Ebay for the first time. Wow. Wow. Wow. How did I live before I had this? I don't even want to think about it. My typical 2 mile morning walk was actually enjoyable. It doesn't even feel like I'm pushing 70+ pounds. Amazing!

Hate the Old Stroller, Love the Kids

Now, the question is - what to do with my old stroller?

a) burn it
b) try to sell it to some sucker off of Craigslist or Ebay
c) throw it in the garbage
d) take it up the side of the mountain and abandon it
e) throw it out of the truck as I'm going down the freeway at 70 mph
f) throw it off the top of a tall building
g) shoot it up

Until you have had a really lousy stroller, you will never understand the distaste I have for the old one. Yuck.

WIPEOUT

I have always wanted a Slip n' Slide. Erik says the only reason I wanted a Slip n' Slide so bad was because I never had one as a kid. This is true. My parents thought Slip n' Slides were too dangerous. Instead, for summer fun they opted to put a sprinkler under the "much safer" trampoline when I was kid.

My Mother Using a Slip n' Slide in 1961
Watch Out for that Tree!

Most parents are well aware that the Slip n' Slide is a killer, yet they still let their kids play on it anyway. As you can see from the above picture, my grandfather tried to protect the kids from accidentally sliding into that nearby tree by wrapping a thin towel around the trunk of it. Yeah, that should save the kids from serious head injury. Did I mention my grandfather is an inventor?

In 1993 the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued their most stern warning yet against Slip n' Slides. If you are an adult or teenager, your Slip n' Slide will most likely either paralyze or even kill you. Good to know.

With all this in mind, I decided to fulfill my childhood fantasy and buy a Slip n' Slide last week. I had dreams of this toy providing hours of entertainment. I would throw a birthday party with the Slip n' Slide as the centerpiece. Perhaps a Young Womens activity too! It was going to be awesome. What risk of death? You could die walking down the street too!

So, it's been a week, and the Slip n' Slide is kind of a let down. It's much smaller than I pictured. The first day we got it out, Erik and I were showing the kids how to use it. That's when Erik had the accident. Listen closely. The sound effects aren't as good as Wipeout's, but that is because they are real. Don't worry, Erik is fine... now. He is truly a Slip n' Slide survivor.

HOMEMADE FLOUR TORTILLAS

Last week we learned how to make homemade flour tortillas (without lard!) with the Young Women and I have been obsessed with the thought ever since. I have discovered something that I eat all the time can actually taste so much better than I've ever imagined. I don't think I can ever go back to store bought flour tortillas. Seriously, they are so good and easy.

The real unstaged mess.

Erik disagrees. I made them Saturday night and he argues that although they are really good, the time and mess does not make it worth it. I say, so what if I messed up every pan in the house? So what if I got flour all over the kitchen floor? I saved us $5.00 and since I make $0 right now, this is worth my time.

Hey, 2 of those pots have beans and meat in them.

Besides the mess, Erik also pointed out the two other obvious downsides to making your own flour tortillas.

Everyone can tell when you pick your nose...

... and when you scratch your butt too.

Erik was so upset about the mess that it looks like I might have to add making homemade flour tortillas to that list of things I do in secret. (So far that list only has watching The Bachelorette and making tortillas....)